When I was a small child I very often would lie in bed at night and feel anxious. In addition, I would hear a thumping noise... ....ba-boom........ ba-boom... The thumping would get louder and louder and more and more urgent BA-BOOM-BA-BOOM-BA-BOOM. I would become more and more terrified, believing that something was coming to get me, until I was in such a state of terror that my heart could beat no faster and the noise would stay at that intensity for a time and then eventually subside. Of course these episodes were panic attacks and the noise I was listening to was the sound of my own heartbeat. But I was very little and not that rational.. as I grew up I did start to wonder whether it was anxiety and whether the sound was my heart, but I still couldn't stop the attacks.
They did stop for years, though, possibly twenty years, until I spontaneously recovered hidden childhood memories that put me in a total spin for a while. I didn't know what was happening to me. Each evening my anxiety levels would rise until the walls started closing in and the panic set in. I would dance from one foot to the other, trying to cope with the agony of the anxiety. When I realised that these episodes had a name and I wasn't the only person to have experienced them, things started to become bearable. I think the period when I suffered from panic attacks lasted about six months, and thankfully I haven't suffered since. I believe that the memories that I had suppressed held within them a great deal of terror that simply needed to be processed. I now have immense sympathy for anyone who has suffered a panic attack, it really is one of the most distressing things that can happen to a person.
I was reminded of the panic attacks yesterday, not because I experienced anything like it, but because I am aware that my general level of anxiety is high at the moment. Whilst I don't like feeling anxious, I can't help feeling relief that I don't get the panic attacks any more. I am anxious at the moment because my folks are old and things aren't getting any easier for them. I am also anxious because I need to be out of my house in six months and also have a new job (well they go together). It is uncomfortable, I have such a desire to create a stable base for my kids, and for them to be happy at home and happy at school. It feels like a big responsibility. Finally, I will miss the people here and there is a general grief. I visited someone yesterday who has forbidden me to speak of it because she can't bear the thought of me going.
I keep fantasising about a glass of wine or a cigarette to combat the anxiety. But these don't really work. Prayer is the only thing that really works for me... letting go and letting God, to use an old cliché... knowing that I am loved and safe in the arms of God, to use a different cliché! Some days I find myself looking forward to my prayer time at the end of the day, which is a joke for me because not so many years ago I found prayer very difficult. I stumbled upon this video that I am posting below. It might help someone, it is about how to manage a panic attack....